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Managing time used to come so easily. There are a handful of times I’ve been distracted to the point of letting go of everything else. Hell, most things in the past has just made me focus more on responsibilities and tasks.
But now? Not so much. The motivation and inspiration isn’t there, for whatever reason — a reason I’d appreciate if I knew what it was and work on fixing it. Today and yesterday’s been an improvement, however. I hope this “spark” of slight enthusiasm will remain (and grow?) and that, if it should burn out, I’ll be able to light it up fairly easily again.
Edit: I really should be doing something useful.
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My mind’s screaming: “Go away responsibilities, go away! Be gone!”
No, really. I’ve spent basically all my childhood being a responsible little goodie-goodie. If I had the guts, I’d pick up my stuff and leave, get on a plane to somewhere and forget where I came from. Exaggerated, but the message remains the same.
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Had the strangest dream tonight. I was in a place reminiscent of a WoW area called Duskwood: dark and gloomy with howling wolves, a full moon and crocodiles waddling along and near the water’s edge. It’s late at night, with only the moon and a few faint lights from nearby houses. Next thing that happens is that I find myself wearing small plastic bags on my hands and I’m starting to dissect a crocodile. Then I smell smoke. A split moment later I realise my left wrist’s been lit on fire. I slightly panic, standing there staring as the flames grow stronger. I get my senses back and I quickly rip my jacket, sweater and plastic gloves off and put the fire out somehow. Somewhere and somehow during all of this B becomes an element in this dream. Being a dream, my dream, I was able to conjure him up right there on the spot. Only it didn’t make any sense, at all.
B was saying last night how “dreams seem to involve things from daily activity“, which I agree with. Dreams are a way to deal with problems subconsciously, I think. This is the bizarre part: what’s all this got to do with daily activity?
I’ve spent most of each day (we’re talking twelve hour periods and longer here) during the past two-three months doing stuff with B: may it be playing WoW, laughing at anything and everything, flirting or falling asleep on my keyboard whilst being on Skype. So, in that sense: B = daily activity.
The rest remains a mystery. I have my ideas regarding problems and issues needing much needed attention, but I can’t relate those to this dream, at least not in a way that makes sense. Maybe that’s what it’s all about: to stop looking at things objectively — to trust my feelings and follow my heart instead — to stop trying to suppress them because they don’t make sense. I say try, because I’ve tried and failed. These feelings just keep coming back screaming at me, screaming at me to accept that what is is, and I still find myself trying to convince myself it’s not what it is. What “it” actually is, I’m not sure of.
Ramble, ramble, ramble. Much needed ramble.
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26th of May. It’s been roughly three months since I last even logged into this little corner of the web. I’d like to say much has happened since and that I’ve spent my summer holidays going out and enjoying myself to the point of throwing up on a sidewalk. But no, that is not what my summer has been like. (Thankfully.) As much as I don’t like admitting it, I’ve pretty much only been playing WoW. I didn’t even as much as consider picking up the phone to call M — something I feel rather bad about. Truth is, I couldn’t ask for a better friend.
To shed light on recent events, the third and final year of school has begun. This means less time to play WoW, studying, more of meeting people, more of social interaction. All this would be more intriguing if I didn’t find crowds scary and if most people didn’t judge books by their covers or their first impression. Give me some freakin’ bloody time to shine. It doesn’t happen overnight, not when it’s me it’s about.
It’s almost 11pm, I gotta be at school at 9am and I haven’t the slightest idea why I’m bothering. I suppose because I don’t like disappointing people more than is necessary. Or because I’d feel like too much of a failure. Yeah, that’s probably it.
Reading my latest entry, I have one comment: Fucking aced the Biology exam. Now, if I only had some use of that thinking outside the exam and classroom’s doors …
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I failed the Computer Communications exam/test with a fair margin. I know this because, well, I didn’t bother studying for it. (Should I pass, it’d be a bloody fucking miracle.) Instead, I’ve been studying for my upcoming Biology exam which is taking place on Wednesday afternoon. Two days to go (well, almost) and I feel like I know it. That accomplishment alone is worthy of some attention! Last week’s exam went really well and so, I feel remarkably driven. It’s an odd feeling as of late. Which is a good thing, despite it being the end of the semester and all …
In between studying and, well, doing nothing really, I, for reasons unknown, decided to take a shower, fix my hair, put on mascara as well as equip myself with earrings and a necklace. This is odd because, after all, it’s me — I rarely get these sudden urges to “act like a girl”. On top of that, I feel like going on a shopping spree and get my hair cut. M’s feelings regarding this: “So sweeeeet” were her words.
At the moment, I feel tired and content listening to ‘Gargoyles, angels of darkness’ with Rhapsody.
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It seems as though summer has arrived. It’s warm outside, the sun is shining and people are walking carelessly in the city core. That’s one of my pet peeves: people who can’t seem to walk straight forward and are unable to give some kind of hint that they’re going to either stop moving or take a sudden turn. It’s one of the reasons, if not the reason, I don’t like summers. It really bugs me, because summer isn’t so bad — except for the heat that makes me unable to sleep at night. Argh.
Funny story: M gets an SMS from an unknown person claiming he saw her eat at Burger King just some moments ago. She tells him no, he’s got the wrong number. He doesn’t believe her and he says he’ll prove it by calling her in 20 minutes from now. Even after being told M’s full name, he still thought she was lying. After a few more text messages between them he realizes that yes, he’s got the wrong number. Such a dimwit.
It’s a matter of decision now: study biology or play some WoW. Hmm …
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I feel tired for a change. Lying on the bed resting didn’t do wonders, however, as my head is slightly aching instead now. It’s a rather annoying feeling, considering my brain’s too exhausted to do any decent coursework (i.e. finishing that damn Biology report). Not am I going to try and sleep either for that matter, as it’ll only make cause me to be less able to sleep later tonight. It’s quite vicious. As for the good news, I passed yesterday’s Biology exam. Surely, I failed on one of the questions, but I basically aced the rest of the exam.
Following that, I feel motivated enough to study for next Wednesday’s exam as well. I might just ace that one as well, which would be great. Biology aside, I have two presentations and one exam to go: Swedish presentation about Yiddish, chemistry presentation about ceramics and the exam is about Computer Communications. The first two: no problems. The latter … Ouch. Just ouch.
What I should be doing next is: study or clean the gerbils’ cage. I am too tired to study. So, I suppose I’ll give the gerbils the attention that they need so much (considering I’ve basically ignored them for several weeks. Yes, I fail completely on that point.) Should the improbable happen and I get my brain cells back afterwards, I’ll study for awhile. Failing that, I’ll simply log WoW.
Speaking of which: my druid reached level 61 and 300 skill in Leatherworking yesterday. So, she’s just entered Outlands and is waiting for me to get her some new gear. As much as I’m looking forward to gearing her up as a DPS caster (and later on as a healer), I think I’m going to miss being feral and sneaking up on enemies from behind. Oh well. One can’t get everything.
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As it turns out, I’m terrible at keeping this updated. And now that I do intend to write something, I’m merely doing it as an act of procrastination when it comes to studying. Yes, tomorrow is the day. The day when all hope will be lost in translation forever. Well, not really, but I like the dramatical tone. I can’t really say I’m looking forward to tomorrow’s Biology exam, mainly because I’m not as prepared as I’d like to be. As of the past few months:
I’ve. Been. Slacking. A. Lot.
As a matter of fact, I do believe I spend more time online than I do in school, which is quite terrifying because school takes up 7-8 hours of my weekdays. In some ways, I’d call myself a game addict as I do play a lot. The thing is, though, that I don’t play merely just to play. I interact with people (even if they are indeed a few hours flight away), I have fun and I’ve come in contact with such great people. This is where my addiction lies — with the few but great people. (Yes, this includes even you, Steve, should you be reading this.) It’s not the game on its own that keeps me pinned in front of the computer screen.
As I was saying, I’ve been slacking a lot. Fortunately, it’s soon over for the semester. Two and a half weeks to go. During these few days, I have three exams: two Biology ones (I hereby admit to failing the first one *slaps self*) and a Computer Communications one. For next year, I do hope and plan to keep my coursework under control and not succumb to fellow guild members’ needs. To keep myself motivated enough to accomplish this, I am going to brag: 99% A’s in English B and Swedish B. I haven’t felt this accomplished for three-four years, school-wise at least.
Now, I am going to study for that Biology exam and actually learn something for a change.
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Seems one of my plugins caused the site to break havoc and take ages to load. It’s deactivated now though. And I see there’s a new version of WordPress out to the public, I can’t really bother with updating. I’m lazy, I know.
During the past days I’ve had a really bad cold — I’m quite surprised my brain hasn’t been sucked out yet from blowing my nose. Being the procrastinator that I am, I haven’t bothered with any homework either these past few days. Instead, I’ve concentrated on playing WoW. At least that gives me something to think about, making me forget the semi-constant itching in my nose.
It’s quite amazing how people you’ve never met “in real life” can make your days brighter, as many of the people I’ve come across in the guild <HWDW> do. Aah, the wondrous laughter that jokes and bullying gives. An awesome bunch of people in my honest opinion.