My mind’s screaming: “Go away responsibilities, go away! Be gone!”
No, really. I’ve spent basically all my childhood being a responsible little goodie-goodie. If I had the guts, I’d pick up my stuff and leave, get on a plane to somewhere and forget where I came from. Exaggerated, but the message remains the same.
Had the strangest dream tonight. I was in a place reminiscent of a WoW area called Duskwood: dark and gloomy with howling wolves, a full moon and crocodiles waddling along and near the water’s edge. It’s late at night, with only the moon and a few faint lights from nearby houses. Next thing that happens is that I find myself wearing small plastic bags on my hands and I’m starting to dissect a crocodile. Then I smell smoke. A split moment later I realise my left wrist’s been lit on fire. I slightly panic, standing there staring as the flames grow stronger. I get my senses back and I quickly rip my jacket, sweater and plastic gloves off and put the fire out somehow. Somewhere and somehow during all of this B becomes an element in this dream. Being a dream, my dream, I was able to conjure him up right there on the spot. Only it didn’t make any sense, at all.
B was saying last night how “dreams seem to involve things from daily activity“, which I agree with. Dreams are a way to deal with problems subconsciously, I think. This is the bizarre part: what’s all this got to do with daily activity?
I’ve spent most of each day (we’re talking twelve hour periods and longer here) during the past two-three months doing stuff with B: may it be playing WoW, laughing at anything and everything, flirting or falling asleep on my keyboard whilst being on Skype. So, in that sense: B = daily activity.
The rest remains a mystery. I have my ideas regarding problems and issues needing much needed attention, but I can’t relate those to this dream, at least not in a way that makes sense. Maybe that’s what it’s all about: to stop looking at things objectively — to trust my feelings and follow my heart instead — to stop trying to suppress them because they don’t make sense. I say try, because I’ve tried and failed. These feelings just keep coming back screaming at me, screaming at me to accept that what is is, and I still find myself trying to convince myself it’s not what it is. What “it” actually is, I’m not sure of.
Ramble, ramble, ramble. Much needed ramble.
26th of May. It’s been roughly three months since I last even logged into this little corner of the web. I’d like to say much has happened since and that I’ve spent my summer holidays going out and enjoying myself to the point of throwing up on a sidewalk. But no, that is not what my summer has been like. (Thankfully.) As much as I don’t like admitting it, I’ve pretty much only been playing WoW. I didn’t even as much as consider picking up the phone to call M — something I feel rather bad about. Truth is, I couldn’t ask for a better friend.
To shed light on recent events, the third and final year of school has begun. This means less time to play WoW, studying, more of meeting people, more of social interaction. All this would be more intriguing if I didn’t find crowds scary and if most people didn’t judge books by their covers or their first impression. Give me some freakin’ bloody time to shine. It doesn’t happen overnight, not when it’s me it’s about.
It’s almost 11pm, I gotta be at school at 9am and I haven’t the slightest idea why I’m bothering. I suppose because I don’t like disappointing people more than is necessary. Or because I’d feel like too much of a failure. Yeah, that’s probably it.
Reading my latest entry, I have one comment: Fucking aced the Biology exam. Now, if I only had some use of that thinking outside the exam and classroom’s doors …
I failed the Computer Communications exam/test with a fair margin. I know this because, well, I didn’t bother studying for it. (Should I pass, it’d be a bloody fucking miracle.) Instead, I’ve been studying for my upcoming Biology exam which is taking place on Wednesday afternoon. Two days to go (well, almost) and I feel like I know it. That accomplishment alone is worthy of some attention! Last week’s exam went really well and so, I feel remarkably driven. It’s an odd feeling as of late. Which is a good thing, despite it being the end of the semester and all …
In between studying and, well, doing nothing really, I, for reasons unknown, decided to take a shower, fix my hair, put on mascara as well as equip myself with earrings and a necklace. This is odd because, after all, it’s me — I rarely get these sudden urges to “act like a girl”. On top of that, I feel like going on a shopping spree and get my hair cut. M’s feelings regarding this: “So sweeeeet” were her words.
At the moment, I feel tired and content listening to ‘Gargoyles, angels of darkness’ with Rhapsody.